My Friend Gina
By Hannah

There was once an amazing Lady,
who was cooler than slim shady,
She wasn’t called Tina, Sheena, Christina,
No, she was called Gina!
She moved up from London
(As far as she could from Camden)
To the fair city of Newcastle,
Away from busy and hassle.
She dressed in pretty pattern,
which were superior to Saturn,
and wore a stunning smile,
which could be seen from fair mile.

One day Gina decided
to go shopping down the Toon
she had quite an obscure shopping list,
including items like a bassoon.

she got off her bus
at Old Eldon Square
Checking out all the Geordie folk
Thinking ‘ Yeah I got the best hair’
When she noticed a little stall
that seemed invisible to most
With this little old owner promoting
“Cheapest scarves I boast!”

Gina’s jaw dropped as she saw
He had every scarf imaginable.
She ran to him with excitement,
not anticipating any trouble.

When all of a sudden,
the stall turned to ice,
the air went bitterly cold,
like an Antarctic slice,
and the little old owner,
who looked harmless and frail,
turned into an Frosty beast,
with icicles on his tail.

“I am Chilly Willy!”
He claimed with aggression
“I hear you work for Samsung,
and for you I have a confession,
Your fridge freezer broke down on me,
and melted all my ice pops,
You can sort this out now lassy,
or Im gonna  tear down these shops!”

She would have offered a voucher
a Tesco one for £50
but she wasn’t gonna take that rudeness
his language so profound

Before he could start,
his reign of destruction,
Gina pressed her orange flower broach,
which caused a huge reduction,
of evilness and coldness,
as the flower emitted sunshine,
which melted the icy bastard,
freeing his curse from the Tyne.

The Geordies laughed and cheered
As the temperatures raised
and thanked the beautiful Gina
for they were left feeling amazed
at the powers she held
to bring happiness to every room
She raised them all up
from the icy doom and gloom.

The End

Poet at 8

Coke Whore Elephants&Slutty Trumpets.

Coke Whore Elephants&Slutty Trumpets.

There was this mad elephant called Gregg 
and he looooved to snort cocaine. 
He loved to sniff and whiff,
those powders to his brain.
He would laugh at the poor,
but he would fear the rich,
as they had giant tazors,
that made his trunk twitch.


One day Gregg decided,
that coke was not the way,
so he took up horticulture,
but much to his dismay,
he fell in love with a trumpet..
Stanley.. the locals called him.
Gregg then questioned his sexuality,
whether his actions would be grim.
But to his surprise it amazed him
and became addictive like the coke,
but Stanley charged a high price,
so soon Gregg was broke.


"why god why?!" He shouted at the sky.
"Why did you make me gay?!
Why did you turn my tastes to brass?!
And why do I now appreciate ballet!?"


"Because you are a bumder!!"
God shouted down with aggression.
"You were meant to bare me a son,
but from that path you took digression
into a land of powdered goods,
that hit you like a brick.
Now be gone with you young elephant,
and be hasty, be quick!
Or i shall smite you in your path
And dam you to hell and back!

Because you young trunkers know nothing,
of the delightfully warm snack,
of chicken burgers with cheese,
of putting your heart in danger.
Now grow a pair of testee,
and fuck off back to your manger!"


So with that Gregg left Serbia
and found his life in fiction,
But always reminisced,
of his involvements in trumpet addiction.

Debbie Bread the Musical

Collaboration project between Jack Rae, Lil Yates and myself. A song dedicated to the one and only Deborah Breaddlsin, a fine craftsman of the wheat based products.

start singing 22 seconds in

I love Debbieee
I love Debbie bread
I love Deborahs fresh baked bread
I love Debbbbiiieeee bread.

Full of raisins and it has a crust
Have a free sample if you must
Have a freeee sample.

I think Debbies bread has gave me thrush
but I don’t mind coz its so lush
I don’t mind aaaaatall.

when I listen to the voices in my head
they tell me to praise the bread
Debbie breads myyyy god.

They told me to smear it on my kids
now my kids are nothing but flids
now my kids aaarrrrreee flids

falidimites.. and raisins..
thankyou Debbie.. youre amazings..

nice one Debbie
youre the best
nice one Debbie
you’ve beat the rest

purrrcchhhaaaseee iiiitttt from Lidl
this aint no scam or fiddle
purrrcchhhaaaseee iiiitttt from Lidl
this aint no scam or fiddle

I love Debbie
I love Debbie bread
I love Deborahs fresh baked bread
I love Debbiiieeee bread
I love Debbiiieeee bread
I love Debbiiieeee bread


Thank you for listening. If you have been affected by any issues raised in this broadcast then please visit our website on www.itsalllies.ac.uk and remember kids, when it comes to injecting crack, its all about moderation. As my nana says, don’t smack your bitch up without informing your pimp, because if he finds out he’ll blacken your eyes and shit on your pension. Ba Byyeeee

The Lovely Cottoms :)

In a tiny town called Redditch

In the middle of the lands

Located near to Birmingham

but on her own she stands

lives a family called the Cottoms

who are the most lovely of folk

they are always smiley and happy

always delivering the best joke

There’s Ian Cottom

his mind filled with brilliance

with his funky natural racing stripes

he should be earning millions

Then there’s our Chezza

a lovely caring nurse

with her cheeky smile and blonde banter

her attitude of ‘it could be worse’

Of course, there is Rosie

Drama be her talent

the most caring lady known to man

in confrontation she be gallant

There’s also wee Alex Cottom

who’s got a gifted brain

he’s gonna grow up to be famous

a lot like David Blaine

And who could forget

little Alfie and Tango

their two family cats

that are a similar colour to mango

And they all live happily

in the most beautiful of home

with a warm welcoming feeling

Its  as fancy as Rome

They could be used

as a perfect example

of how a family should be

the love between them ample

So this one goes to you

you lovely bunch of folk

hopefully see you soon Cottoms

when I become less broke

The Journey of an Orange in Pictures

The birth of OJ Tango

Chilling with MrSam the Jazzman

Getting caught with the cheap stuff

Busted!

Pulling a Fittie

OJ and Donna Tango

The honeymoon

The Birth

Welcome to this world.. Baby Dave

First House

Father and Son at the park

First day at school

Work

Family Portrait 2008

Watching Ross Kemp on Gangs

OJ hates Morrisons

Family holiday to Paris 2009

Why noooooo

R.I.P OJ Tango

Nanny Oh-No.. A poem dedicated to our very own Yvonne 'cockney geezer' Millichamp

This one goes out to my Nana
Yvonne be her name
She’s a cockney inside and out
she goes on like she’s a dame

she scared me shitless as a child
as she was very very strict
if I didn’t eat all my burnt toast
there would surely be conflict

she made me wear big knickers
and pull them up to ones tit
she’d then cover that with a jumper
that she would swiftly knit

she’s never been an average nan
with her fast cars and her dog
she shaved my head when I was young
convinced me it’d speed up my jog

she’s always been independent
‘I can’t do that’ isn’t her phrase
for the things she’s accomplished
she deserves so much praise

she introduced me to art and culture
when I was only a wee babby
taking me off to London for the day
presenting me with her hobby

although at some point or another
she’s upset everybody in our family
with a lack of filter on her mouth
her comments voiced angrily
she does make us all laugh
bringing us together like a trick
like that time she accidentally bought a porno
called the witches of east-dick

claiming it was nothing like
her favourite childhood flick

or that time she bought a sleeping bag
for a family holiday many moons ago
only to find it was for a child aged 8-10
it reached her knee as she shouted “oh nooo”

we can all impersonate her perfectly
that cockney high-pitch accent
those catchphrases like “oh I don’t know!”
projected loudly leaving a dent

Although she’s quite ill at the moment
battling the most vicious lung cancer
she’ll never let it beat her
trooping on like a knackered dancer
so this poems for you sweet Nanny
you absolute nutter
love you to the moon and back
with your face like lovely butter