Debbie Bread the Musical

Collaboration project between Jack Rae, Lil Yates and myself. A song dedicated to the one and only Deborah Breaddlsin, a fine craftsman of the wheat based products.

start singing 22 seconds in

I love Debbieee
I love Debbie bread
I love Deborahs fresh baked bread
I love Debbbbiiieeee bread.

Full of raisins and it has a crust
Have a free sample if you must
Have a freeee sample.

I think Debbies bread has gave me thrush
but I don’t mind coz its so lush
I don’t mind aaaaatall.

when I listen to the voices in my head
they tell me to praise the bread
Debbie breads myyyy god.

They told me to smear it on my kids
now my kids are nothing but flids
now my kids aaarrrrreee flids

falidimites.. and raisins..
thankyou Debbie.. youre amazings..

nice one Debbie
youre the best
nice one Debbie
you’ve beat the rest

purrrcchhhaaaseee iiiitttt from Lidl
this aint no scam or fiddle
purrrcchhhaaaseee iiiitttt from Lidl
this aint no scam or fiddle

I love Debbie
I love Debbie bread
I love Deborahs fresh baked bread
I love Debbiiieeee bread
I love Debbiiieeee bread
I love Debbiiieeee bread


Thank you for listening. If you have been affected by any issues raised in this broadcast then please visit our website on www.itsalllies.ac.uk and remember kids, when it comes to injecting crack, its all about moderation. As my nana says, don’t smack your bitch up without informing your pimp, because if he finds out he’ll blacken your eyes and shit on your pension. Ba Byyeeee

The Lovely Cottoms :)

In a tiny town called Redditch

In the middle of the lands

Located near to Birmingham

but on her own she stands

lives a family called the Cottoms

who are the most lovely of folk

they are always smiley and happy

always delivering the best joke

There’s Ian Cottom

his mind filled with brilliance

with his funky natural racing stripes

he should be earning millions

Then there’s our Chezza

a lovely caring nurse

with her cheeky smile and blonde banter

her attitude of ‘it could be worse’

Of course, there is Rosie

Drama be her talent

the most caring lady known to man

in confrontation she be gallant

There’s also wee Alex Cottom

who’s got a gifted brain

he’s gonna grow up to be famous

a lot like David Blaine

And who could forget

little Alfie and Tango

their two family cats

that are a similar colour to mango

And they all live happily

in the most beautiful of home

with a warm welcoming feeling

Its  as fancy as Rome

They could be used

as a perfect example

of how a family should be

the love between them ample

So this one goes to you

you lovely bunch of folk

hopefully see you soon Cottoms

when I become less broke

The Journey of an Orange in Pictures

The birth of OJ Tango

Chilling with MrSam the Jazzman

Getting caught with the cheap stuff

Busted!

Pulling a Fittie

OJ and Donna Tango

The honeymoon

The Birth

Welcome to this world.. Baby Dave

First House

Father and Son at the park

First day at school

Work

Family Portrait 2008

Watching Ross Kemp on Gangs

OJ hates Morrisons

Family holiday to Paris 2009

Why noooooo

R.I.P OJ Tango

Nanny Oh-No.. A poem dedicated to our very own Yvonne 'cockney geezer' Millichamp

This one goes out to my Nana
Yvonne be her name
She’s a cockney inside and out
she goes on like she’s a dame

she scared me shitless as a child
as she was very very strict
if I didn’t eat all my burnt toast
there would surely be conflict

she made me wear big knickers
and pull them up to ones tit
she’d then cover that with a jumper
that she would swiftly knit

she’s never been an average nan
with her fast cars and her dog
she shaved my head when I was young
convinced me it’d speed up my jog

she’s always been independent
‘I can’t do that’ isn’t her phrase
for the things she’s accomplished
she deserves so much praise

she introduced me to art and culture
when I was only a wee babby
taking me off to London for the day
presenting me with her hobby

although at some point or another
she’s upset everybody in our family
with a lack of filter on her mouth
her comments voiced angrily
she does make us all laugh
bringing us together like a trick
like that time she accidentally bought a porno
called the witches of east-dick

claiming it was nothing like
her favourite childhood flick

or that time she bought a sleeping bag
for a family holiday many moons ago
only to find it was for a child aged 8-10
it reached her knee as she shouted “oh nooo”

we can all impersonate her perfectly
that cockney high-pitch accent
those catchphrases like “oh I don’t know!”
projected loudly leaving a dent

Although she’s quite ill at the moment
battling the most vicious lung cancer
she’ll never let it beat her
trooping on like a knackered dancer
so this poems for you sweet Nanny
you absolute nutter
love you to the moon and back
with your face like lovely butter

Poem-off with that guy that got away hehe

Parallel universe boyfriend
I like your style
thanks for the poem
it made me do smile

I wish I could write
beauty in letters like that
but if I attempted such thing
I may come across as a twat

but I’ll try my best for you
and see where the words go
they may be calm and tranquil
but I assume to darkness it’ll flow

to respond to your poem
I know the branch to take
but I know the consequences
I know the heart ache
that lies before my choices
and will muster in the air
but do I take the risk or not
or maybe I shouldn’t care

but I’ll tell it how it is
and the truth we all shall know
that every time I talk to you
my fondness of you grows

your mind is a maze of beauty
I think that’s why I like you
and the randomness you create
makes me question how loose is your screw

and you know the reality
when you just click with a shared sense of mind
I think we are both oddities of this world
and a bizarreness to mankind

and I kind of have this crush on you
because I believe you are a good egg sir
but as per usual the sitch is not so simple
which I do not want or prefer

but may I ask for your DNA
to make a clone of you to keep
you could be my mister, my mate, my sex toy
and now I’m sounding like a creep

but to conclude from my words
I find you truly divine
if life was more simple
we could have dated and drank wine

The tale of Andy and the Honeybadger

This is one I did for a guy on my course as he was super sad and he needed to smile.


There was once a Geordie Zebra named Andy
Who always played the bass
He was stripy from hoof to neck
But was a ginger in the face
He was kanni for a zebra
and seemed to enjoy a good documentary
he always managed to make all smile
as he was truly the bishop of banterbury

He attended this course
to better his chances for a job
and bumped into Hana, the BlackBear
who came across as a hyperactive knob

the two became chums within moments
due to the likeness in creative imagination
and decided to go on a magical adventure
but didn't comprehend any confrontation

They were chilling out in the toon
smoking the fattest of boom battest
chatting shit about life's wonders
the corners of their minds confessed
when this bastard called Lloyd rounded the corner
with a face like a bull dog licking piss off a nettle
He was one of those famous honey badgers
who could drink water straight from a freshly boiled kettle

“Oy Bruv” He shouted at Andy
“do us 26p
I need to go to the dentist
to remove this tooth debris
but my nana is sick an dat
coz she just crashed her ford capri
now do us a go on ya lasses box
or I’ll go on a killing spree”

“This isn’t GTA5
and that isn’t my lass
shes good banter n all
but shes a bit of a brass.
no, I wont do you 26p
you irritating clump of mass
get the fuck out of ones grill
before I severely kick your ass”

the two began to brawl
to confirm who was supreme
Gazza arrived with chicken breasts
to gently calm the scene

but Gazza was too late
and end was put to the vendetta
of Lloyds hatred of the world
by R Kellys mahoosive beretta

Andy and Hana survived
to tell the tale to all
but due to post traumatic stress
they took sanctuary in Nepal.

The End.

Sam-Wises Birthday Poem

I wrote a poem for my friends birthday. She is one of the most amazing people i have ever met. She has bright red hair and a bright red cello, thus the theme of this poem. xD

Happy Birthday Sam-wise
Hope you have a good day
I decided to write you a poem
As for a present, I cannot pay
I apologize for my poverty
As I am only a young’n on the dole
But if I get chance, I’ll send down a prezzie
when my finances are under control
But I must quit my jibber jabber
my rants about being skint
and get on with making you a lovely poem
which hopefully shall turn out mint

Once upon a time,
In a land far from creation,
lived a Red Cello named Tiffany Brisket
Who lived a life of frustration,
Because she wasn't allowed to sing,
In a world without Music, Art and colour,
As the grey scale police would find and catch her,
And make her imagination duller,
She was visiting her local,
For a pint of water, still, of course,
surrounded by people who had less banter,
than a bottle of tomato sauce,
and she just thought “fuck it,
I’m going to get up and sing,
I’m going to get up and Jam
I’m going to do my own thing,
Because I am a creative wizard
And my scarlet coating is insane,
Screw these ordinary folk,
I’m gonna rock this domain!”
And with that she stood on a table,
and belted her sweet heart out,
People gawped, mouths open,
As from those strings a fantastic sound did spout,
Filling the room with imagination and colour,
With vision and inspiration,
Flooding through the doors of the pub and into the world,
Creating a stream of innovation,
As people started thinking for themselves,
The lands filled with beauty and harmony,
The people then turned to Margaret Thatcher,
who was the cause of this colourless colony,
They said “Thatcher, you twonk,
You made us so boring,
Now stand down you heathen,
And be gone by the morning,”
They chanted all night,
At 10 downing street,
Till the old hag left sharpish,
Smelling faintly of condemned meat,
And the people laughed and cheered,
And high fived our Tiffany
Where would the world be today,
Without her magical epiphany?

Tiny Giraffes, Russians, Lies and Heartbreak.

This is one of my first poems ever created, but it needs context. Basically, I found a webcam vid of a tiny Giraffe in a Russian zoo, and watched it alongside doing my uni work. Believing it was real due to lack of sleep, i told one of my dearest mates, who told me it wasn't real. This poem was my emo-themed reaction to such lies.

How the Russians carved a tiny-giraffe-shaped piece out of my heart…

I knew my life was worth something
when I stumbled upon a tiny giraffe
we stared at each other for 4 hours
we had such a laugh
I watched as you walked around a barn
I wanted to hold you
inspect your spotty fur
and eat tofu with you…that is true
I loved your tiny arms
and wish they would replace my cut ones
if I was also a giraffe
we may have made many sons
but Russia lied!
they told me you were real!
they ripped my heart in two
and my trust they did steal!
I am no longer whole
I ripped down the giraffe shrine
and cried into a flask
and felt my spirit decline!
as I found out the truth
my dreams crumbled
like a crumble
my emotions jumbled
who am i?!
an apathetic, lonely punch bag?!
all I know is hurt
you stamped on my dreams of love
and spat on my heart
I cry in the shower
and fall apart
I hate you Russia
for taking away my love
I hate you Russia
for the reasons stated above
I hate you Russia…